Game on!
I’m a comedian at heart. Making people joyful is one of my greatest pleasures. Not that it has to be my humor, but if it helps, I’m there. That passion is one of the primary fuels for every relationship I have and every job I do. If there isn’t someone on the other side of the labor that is going to be joyful, I don’t like doing it.
The county jail, 1994.
I was working dispatch and walked back into the office and noticed one of the most beautiful brunettes I’ve ever seen, reading a book. Yes, a true paper-filled and printed book. This was the time before time when digital media was a thing.
She was invested in this story, flipping her right hand over and over on the corners of the pages, riffling them into a frenzy with every glance.
I said “Hey! How are you?” and the glance that followed was anything but subtle. It was more like, “Die, and let me be, dork.”
Her gaze peeked over the top of the cover as if it put a face to the annoyance. Her eyes, the way her one eyebrow arched up drew her mood to the forefront of the dialog. It allowed me to see her eyes, soft, expressive, intelligent, and lovely.
Who could this girl be? Why was she sitting in my office? What about me was so repulsive? How could I get her attention? So, I managed to insist on getting a response, made my corny introduction, and then thought about her for weeks, wondering what might have come of this cute, hot, smart, curious, and intelligent woman.
Yes, I picked all that up at first glance.
I discovered that she was dating a friend who also worked with me. A week or so later, I asked about her, and all that was said was, “It didn’t work out.” He seemed broken over it. And I knew why. This girl is one of those anomalies who was able to engage in more than just, “You’re so cute…. whatever you like…” or any other type of cliche “Catch the guy” desperation that yielded the facade that it was. This woman was independent and had conviction. I wish I could have gotten to know her, we probably could have been friends. After all, she was reading one of my favorite authors – Stephen King
Fast forward a half year. I was assisting in the development of a local billiard club and several other businesses at the time. I was also responsible for hiring and managing employees for several other local companies under the same ownership. An application came across my desk with some decent references and a desire to work. I interviewed her and offered her a job doing retail desk work and helping in a deli we were opening. She was going to also assist in the movie rental side of the business where we had been doing some billiard tournaments until the club was finished.
A few weeks in, I looked across the building in the deli, and behold, I saw this wonder of the world. It was her! The girl from the jail. I dared not approach but I did want her to notice me, so I made my way over, looked over a few administrative things, checked on some dough, and got back to work. I smiled as I walked by. This time, her look was not one of disdain, but more of discovery. Like she was saying, “I don’t want you dead, but I could change my mind.” Back to the book she went.
At closing, I realized she was there to pick up the new girl from work. The following day, I learned that the two of them were roommates. I asked about her. I learned she was not in a relationship. But for me, I was not the type of person to make moves or get rejected, so I just began to be humourous when she was around. Eventually, we would discuss what she was reading, for no more than a minute or two, and then move on. This workspace was always busy. No time to chat. I liked her.
Several weeks later on a Saturday afternoon, she comes into the movie side and begins to look through the tapes. She is wearing a very cute (ahem) blue dress with white dots. And now I’m seeing her in a different space. I won’t get into my thoughts on the harmful ideologies of objectification and misogyny, I’m just saying that I noticed this lovely girl. Being raised as a real man, I averted my gaze, appreciated her beauty, and assisted her in a sort of indifferent manner so as not to draw attention to the fact that I noticed her. In reality, I had long noticed her in many ways and I was glad when she came around. She didn’t have to get my attention because she had it the first time I saw the silver-green windows into a mind of intrigue and interest. Honestly, I just wanted to know more about her.
But that was it, we didn’t start dating, and we spent no more time together. But I appreciated seeing her when I did. One evening, her roommate came up to me and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner on a double date with her roommate. I just plainly said no. From that, she came back at me with anger. “What is wrong with her? Is she not good enough for you? Why would you say no? She likes you and you could at least go out to dinner… I can’t believe….” I interrupted her, “I’m sorry, I just don’t date right now. I’m not looking for a relationship.” “It’s just dinner”, she replied. This was a Wednesday, Feb 8, 1995.
We all met up in town and rode together, found some food, took a drive, and had a great time talking. This girl was greater than I could have imagined. We found ourselves talking and talking until 5 AM, finding little time to get home and sleep before work the next day. From that day on, we found a way to go on a date nearly every single night. And after a few weeks, we were meeting up for lunch every day, even for 10 minutes. It didn’t take long to realize that we had a real bond, a lot in common, and a friendship that was more than the typical “dating” relationship. Within a few months, we were engaged.
Robyn told me a few months later that she purposefully wore that dress to see if she could get my attention. Sharing our thoughts and feelings and the silly, yet sweet way in which young love and attraction kindled, grew us closer. I remember the uncertainty, fear, and crazy feelings that I discovered during that time, and most of all, I remember the overwhelming affection and attraction that has grown deeper and truer in every sense. Today, 28 years later, when I see this woman who chose to be my bride, I have those same fond, deep, and mysterious joys, the butterflies in my stomach, and the powerful promise of our love for each other.
I’ve been pondering these things in this season of life. Robyn finishes year 48 this week and we will share the same “age” until the middle of May when we celebrate our 27th anniversary and my 49th birthday. Much has changed. A lot has happened. We have so many amazing memories so far and likewise, there is some hard-to-forget pain. Yet, I still seek her attention. I want and need it. Yet, I’m not trying to catch her eye or even her heart. We have grounded those things for a long time. There is a deeper connection. A more intimate reality that has surfaced lately that I cannot rightly touch and see. So, in a sense, at this stage of life, we are still finding our bearings and getting back to the pursuit of love in a whole new way. The intention of a relationship that has as many bad memories as good is one of wonder. Discovering the reality of passion in both sorrow and joy has come to hit me in the face with boldness.
In the last year, I have not been well. My body and my mind have failed me. My birthday girl has stood strong as I have left her holding a great deal of the practical side of life not to mention the mental anguish and most likely fear. As I write this essay I tremble, not knowing if I will overcome and be able to rebuild what has fallen apart. But remembering this story, the blossoming of a true friendship that took flight helps remind me of the hope that no matter the pieces, there is always something worth building together, even when it isn’t the same. It is often deeper, closer, and better.
The Gospel shares this same essence. And, this is why marriage is the most perfect picture of the story of redemption, the story of Jesus. Our gospel journey is much like the intimacy of our love, marriage, family, joys, and pains. Because we are committed to each other we are bound to work through the hard times. Love doesn’t live on good feelings, fun, and gifts, it also lives through harsh words, painful stares, and anguish. Love says I will do for you when I don’t feel like I care anymore. Love says I will be honest and share my needs even when I don’t feel you will meet them.
The picture of Jesus in this journey respects the essence of His suffering for His people who rejected Him, abandoned Him, and hated Him. Yet He loved them anyway, by giving His life for theirs. In the end, by the power of God, the people of God live out a joy. This profound truth mirrors the journey Robyn and I have shared in our marriage. Just as a seed must fall to the ground and die to bring forth new life, so too have we seen portions of our own lives and relationships undergo a kind of death. In the throes of misunderstanding, in the nights of quiet tears, and in the echoes of words we wish remained unspoken, we’ve experienced our share of falling seeds. But from these deaths, new life has always sprung forth — richer, stronger, more vibrant than before.
In our journey, we’ve learned that love, like faith, is often forged and deepened in the fires of trial. The Gospel reminds us that ‘unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit’ (John 12:24). In the dying of our selfish ambitions, in the surrender of our egos, and the shared pain of our human frailties, we’ve discovered a love that is more resilient, more profound, and more reflective of Christ’s love for His church. As we continue to navigate the complexities of life together, our marriage stands as a testament to the beauty that emerges from the ashes of sacrifice — a living echo of the redemptive power of Christ’s love.
So, as I ponder the road ahead, with its inevitable ups and downs, I am reminded that in every loss lies the seed of new growth, and in every tear, the potential for new joy. It’s in the very act of letting go, of dying to self, that our marriage finds its truest strength and most profound purpose. And in this, I see not just the story of two people in love, but a glimpse of the divine dance of redemption, where love triumphs over all, turning our mourning into dancing, and our sorrow into joy.
Finally, as these reflections draw to a close, I turn my thoughts to you, Robyn, my partner in this extraordinary journey. As you celebrate another year of life, I find myself awash with gratitude and admiration for the woman you are and all that you bring into my world. Your strength, wisdom, and unwavering love have been the anchor in our shared voyage. On your birthday, I want to honor not just the day you came into this world but every day since that you’ve made the world a brighter, kinder, more beautiful place just by being in it.
Happy Birthday, Robyn! Today, we celebrate you – the heart of our home, the joy in our days, and the love that makes every challenge worth facing. May this year bring you as much happiness and fulfillment as you bring to all those who know and love you. Together, let’s continue to turn the pages of our story, finding new reasons to smile, to cherish, and to grow. Here’s to you, to us, and to the many blessings yet to come. With all my love, today and always.
I’m so glad you picked me….
THIS IS AMAZING I didn’t know how my mom and dad met!