In the quiet moments of reflection, I’ve come to see the threads of divine grace woven through the tapestry of my life, especially in those times when the fabric seemed most frayed. A year ago today, I found myself in one of the darkest valleys of my journey. The path I had been treading, laden with the weight of numerous trials accumulated over four years, suddenly gave way beneath me. It was a period I thought I had fortified myself for, equipped with disciplines and strategies meant to safeguard my well-being. Yet, there I was, grappling with the realization that my self-crafted armor was insufficient against the tide of challenges that sought to drown me.
A singular event didn’t spark this realization—the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back”—but rather, it was a culmination of numerous, seemingly insurmountable pressures that had been piling up, unnoticed, until they reached a critical mass. In that moment of collapse, I was painfully aware of my fragility, a humbling experience that stripped away any illusions of self-sufficiency I had harbored. It was here, in this crucible of vulnerability, that I encountered the unchanging love of God in its most profound manifestation.
Reflecting on this, I’m reminded of Paul’s exclamation, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” (2 Corinthians 12:9). This passage has taken on a new depth of meaning for me. My journey through darkness was not a solitary trek but a guided pilgrimage, where each step, no matter how faltering, was overshadowed by the presence of the Lord. It was in my utter insufficiency that I found God’s grace to be absolute, a beacon of hope that illuminated the path toward healing and wholeness.
[I placed links to videos and articles here but removed them. But, the work is available, know that everything I published from Jan 2021 through July 2023 was from this place. October 2022 through May 2023 was the hardest portion]
As I’ve shared my experiences through videos and posts, many have reached out to share how these reflections have touched their lives, offering solace and understanding in their times of struggle. Yet, what many may not realize is that these moments of sharing were not born out of a desire to teach or proclaim some newfound wisdom, but rather, they were cries of my heart, seeking understanding, testing the foundations of my hope. Even as I sought to articulate my journey, it was a process of discovery, a way to listen to my own voice and discern the quiet whispers of truth amidst the cacophony of doubt and fear.
Through sharing, I’ve come to see the profound power of vulnerability. It’s a sacred space where our stories intersect with the stories of others, where our collective struggles and triumphs weave a fabric of community and compassion that can hold us together even in our weakest moments. It is here, in the sharing of our brokenness, that we find strength—not the strength that comes from self-reliance, but the strength that is made perfect in weakness, the strength that is found in the loving embrace of God.
This journey through darkness has taught me that God’s plans are often revealed in the undoing of ours. It is in the unmaking of our perceived control and sufficiency that we are truly made, remolded by the hands of the Divine into vessels capable of holding the light of His grace. It’s a paradoxical truth that in our lowest points, we are lifted highest by the love of God, a love that is constant amidst chaos, a presence that is steadfast when all else seems fleeting.
As I look back on this year of transformation, I am filled with gratitude. Not just for the trials themselves, but for the way they have ushered me into a deeper understanding of grace, of myself, and of the God who walks with us through every valley. It is not a lesson I sought, but it is one I needed—a reminder that our greatest revelations often come not from the mountaintops but from the depths of our despair. In these depths, I’ve found a wellspring of hope, a promise that even when we are unable to stand, we are carried. And so, I move forward, not with a blueprint of my own making, but with an open heart, ready to receive the unfathomable, transformative love of God, wherever it may lead.
In the unfolding narrative toward healing and understanding, I’ve come to recognize the intricate dynamics of human relationships and the transformative power of the Gospel in navigating these waters. Each interaction, each moment of connection, carries with it the potential for both pain and healing, often interwoven in ways that are complex and profound. Here are a few thoughts regarding life with others during severe suffering.
People Who Hurt You Often Don’t Mean To
I’ve come to recognize that the steps we misstep and the toes we inadvertently tread upon are seldom acts of intentional harm. Reflecting on moments of hurt, I now see them through a lens of empathy, understanding that those who caused pain were often ensnared in their struggles, acting out of unhealed wounds rather than malice. This realization does not diminish the pain but reframes it, allowing me to extend forgiveness, not as an act of forgetting but as a conscious choice to liberate myself from the chains of resentment. It’s a journey toward understanding that has taught me the power of grace over grievance, a step towards healing not just for myself, but potentially for those who have caused pain, as we navigate the shared human experience of imperfection.
People You Need Can Only Do So Much
In my moments of need, I reached out for support, often unconsciously, grasping for a lifeline in the turbulent seas of my struggles. Yet, I learned that even the most willing hands are bound by the limits of human capability. This realization brought me to a place of acceptance, understanding that while support and love are invaluable, they are not panaceas. It prompted a shift in my perspective, from seeking salvation in others to finding strength within myself, bolstered by faith. This was not a journey of isolation but a recalibration towards self-reliance, tempered with the wisdom to know when to seek help and the humility to accept it within the bounds of what others can truly offer.
When We Are Broken, We Hurt Others Inadvertently
The pain we carry often becomes the pain we project, a bitter cycle I found myself entangled in. My own brokenness, left unaddressed, seeped into my interactions, coloring them with the hues of my unresolved traumas. It was a difficult truth to confront—that in my hurt, I had become a source of hurt for others. Recognizing this was the first step towards breaking the cycle. It has led me on a path of intentional healing, seeking to mend the fractures within myself as a means of preventing the inadvertent infliction of pain upon others. This journey has been about cultivating awareness, learning to pause and perceive the reflections of my wounds in my actions and words, and choosing a path of kindness and healing, both inwardly and outwardly.
No Amount of Time Will Make Things Better, Only Healing Will
Time, I discovered, is not a healer but a field where healing can occur. It’s a distinction that became painfully clear as I waited for time to ease the burdens of my past, only to find that the passage of days alone brought no relief. Just when I felt I had a firm grip, everything would fall apart. Healing required active engagement with my pain, a deliberate process of unpacking the layers of my experiences, confronting the shadows, and seeking the light of understanding and forgiveness. This process taught me that healing is not passive but an active, ongoing endeavor that demands patience, courage, and sometimes, the guidance of others who can help navigate the journey towards wholeness.
The Gospel Is the Power of God in All of This
In the darkest of my days, when human efforts and understandings reached their limits, I found an unwavering source of hope and strength in the Gospel. It became my bedrock, reminding me that in the grand narrative of redemption, my story, too, has a place. The Gospel, with its message of unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness, offered me a lens through which to view my pain and healing. It taught me that my worth is not contingent on my perfection but is affirmed by my inherent value as a beloved child of God. This revelation has been a source of profound transformation, guiding me toward a love that heals, redeems, and restores.
Relationships Will Mend When We Are Healthy
As I embarked on the journey of healing I noticed a parallel restoration in my relationships. It was as if the work done in the quiet places of my soul began to echo outward, mending the fractures that had formed over years of misunderstandings, hurt, and neglect. I’ve often posited that “one can only give that which they possess.” This process revealed to me that the health of our relationships is often a reflection of our inner well-being. By nurturing my health—spiritual, emotional, and psychological—I found that I was better equipped to engage in relationships with openness, empathy, and authenticity. It’s a testament to the idea that we love others best not when we are seeking to be completed by them, but when we approach them from a place of wholeness. This awareness has set me free to realize that the joy of others is not in my ability to secure and the ego of such was grand, controlling, and stifling.
Talking Together, Living Together, and Loving Each Other Are the Only Standards by Which We Need to Live Our Lives
In the simplicity of these actions lies the essence of a life well-lived. Talking together, living together, and loving each other have become the standards by which I measure the quality of my days. These practices are not lofty ideals but tangible, daily choices that shape the fabric of our lives. They are acts of rebellion against the forces of division and isolation, a commitment to fostering connections that nourish and sustain us. This approach to life has taught me the value of presence, the beauty of shared experiences, and the transformative power of love in action. It is a reminder that at the heart of our existence is the call to community, to be in relationship with one another, reflecting the relational nature of God Himself. (more to come)
A Biblical Picture
This entire journey is mirrored in the narrative arc of Scripture, where themes of brokenness, healing, relationship, and restoration are recurrent. From the Genesis account of creation and fall to the prophetic books that speak of Israel’s unfaithfulness and God’s unwavering love, to the Gospels’ account of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, the Bible is a testament to the power of God to redeem and restore.
Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) encapsulates this beautifully, reminding us that God’s grace is sufficient, His power made perfect in weakness. This is the essence of the Gospel: in our weakness, we are made strong—not by our efforts but by the grace of God through Jesus Christ.
These insights reflect a deeper understanding of the biblical narrative and its relevance to our lives. It’s a narrative that invites us to live in the tension between our present brokenness and the promise of God’s ongoing work of restoration—a work that is both personal and communal, inviting us into a story much larger than our own.
Deeper Way Forward
During introspection and healing, a significant turning point came with the stark realization of my issues, past traumas, and a long-standing inability to recognize them without external help. For years, I navigated life’s complexities with a certain level of unawareness, blind to the deeper undercurrents shaping my reactions, relationships, and self-perception. It was only through seeking help and embracing the difficult work of self-discovery that I began to uncover the layers of my past and the patterns that had silently dictated much of my life.
As I approached my fiftieth year, this process of uncovering and understanding allowed me to grow in ways I had never imagined possible. It brought me to a place of taking responsibility for my actions, mistakes, and the harm I had caused others, all while acknowledging and not dismissing my own suffering. This delicate balance of accountability and compassion for myself has been a cornerstone of my healing journey.
My life has been characterized by a deep-seated struggle with maintaining a sense of security and control, a reflection of inner turmoil that often remained hidden beneath a veneer of competence and assurance. This struggle manifested in my closest relationships, where the fear of losing love or approval led me to cling more tightly, seeking constant reassurance in an attempt to quell the rising tide of anxiety that threatened to overwhelm me. It was a pattern that repeated itself, unnoticed, a cycle of seeking closeness yet finding myself more entangled in the very fears I sought to escape.
Conversely, in situations where I perceived even the slightest risk of vulnerability or loss of control, I would retreat into an armor of self-reliance and detachment, a fortress built in childhood that I mistakenly believed would protect me. This armor, though seemingly impenetrable, was a prison, limiting my ability to form deep, meaningful connections and to experience the fullness of love and intimacy.
The journey has involved a painstaking process of dismantling this armor, piece by piece, a task that has required courage, patience, and a willingness to confront the discomfort of vulnerability. I have learned that the key to overcoming these deeply ingrained patterns lies not in the pursuit of perfection (another essay) or an unattainable ideal of emotional independence, but in the embrace of imperfection, in the acceptance of my own humanity, and the recognition of my need for connection and community.
Equipping myself to navigate these challenges has involved cultivating practices of mindfulness, reflection, and intentional engagement with my emotions and reactions. It has meant learning to pause, to listen deeply to the whispers of my heart, and to respond with kindness and understanding, both to myself and to others. It has required me to lean into the discomfort of growth, embrace the messiness of healing, and trust in the slow, often nonlinear process of transformation.
This journey of self-discovery and healing is far from over; it is a path that I continue to walk with humility and hope. Each step forward is a testament to the power of grace, the resilience of the human spirit, and the transformative potential of love—both given and received. In acknowledging my past, confronting my present, and moving towards a future marked by greater self-awareness and compassion, I find myself growing into the person I was always meant to be, free to love and be loved in return, unencumbered by the shadows of yesterday.
More Forward in Christ
In this tapestry, interwoven with threads of pain, healing, and growth, I find a profound intersection with the life of Jesus Christ. He, who experienced the full spectrum of human emotion—from anxiety and fear to great loss and a sense of abandonment—never wavered from His purpose or lost sight of His identity. In the garden of Gethsemane, He faced the impending agony of the cross and yet submitted to the will of the Father, embodying the ultimate expression of love and sacrifice. Through rejection, betrayal, and suffering, Jesus remained steadfast, a beacon of hope and redemption for humanity.
Reflecting on His life, I am struck by the depth of His compassion, His unwavering commitment to His mission, and the profound love He demonstrated, even to those who turned away from Him. His example serves as a guiding light in my own journey, reminding me that, while I may falter and fall short, there is victory in Him. Jesus’ life and teachings offer a blueprint for navigating the complexities of human relationships, for healing, and for finding purpose amidst the chaos of life. The ultimate map is rest– leaning on His victory, His power, His love.
As I lean on His example, I am reminded of the promise that we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Romans 8:37). This is not a call to a life free from pain or struggle but to a life that, despite these things, can find hope, joy, and peace in the assurance of His presence and promises. It’s a reminder that our journey here on earth, though fraught with challenges, is imbued with purpose and the opportunity to reflect His light in the darkness.
With the time I have left on this earth, I am inspired to embark on a greater journey—one that seeks to bring focus, joy, and hope to a world in need. I desire to live in such a way that even those who may never believe in my Lord can still find a measure of blessing through my actions and words. It’s a mission that transcends differences, reaching into the very heart of what it means to be human: to love, to serve, and to offer grace, just as Jesus did.
In Him, I find the strength to face each day, to overcome the trials and to continue the work of healing, both in myself and in the world around me. It is a journey not of isolation but of community, inviting others into a story of redemption that is still being written. As I follow in the footsteps of Jesus, I am reminded of the transformative power of love—to heal, to unite, and to bring light to the darkest of places. This is the legacy I hope to leave, a reflection of His love and a testament to the enduring hope that is found in Him. Until that time, I choose to live this Legacy with you.
Rest and rejoice while loving.
The Slayer of Sadness…