49/27 A Mystery Unfolds – Learning Life (A Pondering)

Today I ponder how the next twelve months I have left will unfold and what the history books will say, if anything, about me.

No, I’m not dying, just living my last year in my 40’s.

49 – I mean it’s a minimal number if it’s your bank balance or a final exam grade. But in years… it’s a different story.

I remember asking my grandmother when she turned 62, “What does it feel like to be 62?”

“It feels just like it did when I was 26 until I either get up to do something or look in the mirror.”, she exclaimed.

So in the last few days, I have reached two new milestones: 49 years on this rock called Earth and 27 years married to my best friend, Robyn.

“There comes a time in every man’s life…” is something I say to my journal during every mountaintop epiphany. Today’s “time in every man’s life” feels like it needs to continue, “that he needs to take a deep look at what he’s learned so he can make much better use of what he has left.”

In 2020-2021 I lost six relatives, 83 friends, and 14 classmates to the Novel Corona Virus of 2019. During that time I also lost myself.
I lost my focus.
I lost my joy.
I lost my confidence.
I lost my purpose.
I lost my health…

And nearly lost my mind.

I’ve learned that life is short. Shorter than we want to recognize. Tomorrow is not a guarantee, but right now is certain. This very breath is here. The ones I exchanged for carbon monoxide are gone, never to be had, much like the machine moving that life-giving breath through my blood, each pulse a day closer, a moment less, until it all stops.

Sorry for the macabre and melancholy. To be true, I’m sitting here with the greatest clarity I have ever had in my life. And in that sense, my greatest sense of security, greatest purpose, the greatest joy, and most of all, ultimate freedom from fear, shame, and loss.

From here I could plow through endless moaning of things I’ve missed, time wasted, opportunities squandered, or just play “cats the cradle” and cry, but I feel pressed to forget about all that. Remember, I sit squarely in confidence beyond what I have experienced in my entire life. And all of it has come through pain and loss.

I won’t talk about all that this time. I’m learning to let things sit, resonate, then share smaller nuggets instead of trying to grill the entire steer at one sitting. (Sorry if that offends anyone)

So, here is a short list of thoughts that I may or may not unpack in further essays. You’ll just have to wait and see. Oh, but if something down here really gets you going, I’m happy to consider a request to share more. Just ask.

THINGS I AM THINKING ABOUT, DOING, AND LEARNING – to name a few

• It’s not too late – do whatever, start something, finish something else, and enjoy it.
• Worry less about your looks, image, and the opinions of others. I grew out my hair and facial hair for six months, then trimmed it last week, but still have it long in relation to the past.
• Experiment with new ideas.
• Become secure and more independent.
• Share your interests with others, interesting people like the interests of interesting people.
• Let your needs and desires be known or they’ll never get met. If you don’t share them, don’t get upset and expect others to “sense” or know what you need. It’s not natural for someone else to be able to just do what you want them to do.
• Quit feeling guilty when other people are let down because of what they don’t tell you. Explain that you’re sorry that you didn’t know, and open the door to have them ask next time. If they refuse, it’s not your burden.
• Date your spouse. Really. Get to know them more without expectation. Throw out all the baseline ideas of who you think they are and start over. Every. Single. Day.
• Smile more.
  Laugh more.
  Enjoy more.
  Cry more. OR just cry. Do it.
• Stay away from polemics and those who promote them.
• Learn to listen, share, care, and let differences sit in the debate, not the heart.
• Never set boundaries that shackle other people.
  Learn to set boundaries where other people shackle you.
• Don’t forget that love is unconditional and often isn’t reciprocated. Love is doing, not feeling.
• Get physical. MOVE.
• Never, ever, make a bucket list. Just live.
• Frame those you love in the POSITIVE experiences, not naively, but with compassion and empathy. If you don’t do this, you will rewrite history in your mind and all the good things will become bad.
• Forgive others.
• Get therapy.
• Know that it is ‘OK to not be OK.”
• Paint. Sing. Write a song, poem, or story – THEN PUBLISH IT ONLINE. Do it.
• Share your ideas with others.
• Do it all every day. Read the bible, pray, and sing praises!
• Learn about being healthy in mind and body.
  Learn about spiritual health and faith.
  Learn about how your mind works and sees the world.
• Think a little and consume things that will benefit you.
• Eat well.

Make your own list and quit reading mine.

Have a blessed day. Rest and rejoice.. then repeat. You know my hope.

No? Then ask. I’m happy to share.

I’m available to talk, engage, or discuss…. so reaching out is not a fuss.

Learn what it means to be free, have liberty, be liberal, and enjoy the journey.

IT IS NOT THE END.

I’ve learned a lot in 49 years. I’ve learned more in 4 than 45… and in 27 years of a partnership, I’m learning more about what it means to be a partner and a friend. This is good.