As I logged on to my blog this evening I noticed that I have over 200 articles in my drafts that are just not “up-to-par” for my thoughts. Adding this to my five completed manuscripts I have to say that I am a failure when it comes to publishing.
Thinking through the “why” I do such things is difficult, but if I’m honest, I readily admit that I am unable to just say something without dragging the entirety of my audience through the decades of argument that brought me to a certain conclusion. So, I wait and never say what may be on my heart and at times, I delay what may be useful to the body of Christ, and I don’t share my fears, thoughts, and feelings with my wife – “it’s not important”, I think. I often think that my thoughts on ‘everything’ are not that important, so it is best to keep what is important to what the Lord has to say on matters.
I pray I can always strive to this end and by the Lord’s grace, I will. But I’m not sure it’s healthy.
Today though I want to make sure of something – I want to remember this moment in my life and I want others to see what I see in their own lives as this week has been a great opportunity for all my theology to come to life in many ways. As you may read this, keep in mind I have had very little rest this week and my heart is bleeding for a pause so that I may be refreshed, but the Lord has seen fit to securely fasten me to this place, and in it I shall sit with joy.
What place? Well, from the beginning…
There is nothing in this life that comes near my dearest affection and nearly-supreme unity that I hold for my bride. She is by far the greatest of God’s gifts to me in this life second only to the grace given me through Jesus Christ. For 21 years our lives have been a masterfully written symphony of discord, harmony, and repeats that have drawn us closer and closer through each refrain. We have lived through rough and smooth times, living and dying times, and all things in between. Through all, we have endured not because of our strength or “resolve” but only because of God’s precious power in Christ toward us.
No matter how hard things have been, I have loved this woman more than I love myself. Or at least I have tried.
Learning the hard way the meaning of marriage has not been easy. Of course, it’s the hard way… not the easy way.
But when I say it hasn’t been easy I mean that most of the learning has come through pain, suffering, loss, and fear. These last few months (I could talk about the last few years) have seen difficulty. The greatest suffering for me has come through seeing my wife in pain. She is tough and little topples her, but the physical suffering she has had to endure since March has been difficult for me to watch. Daily we pray for the Lord to heal her and He has chosen to allow the pain to continue. While we don’t understand it, we know it is for our good. After over a dozen doctors and just as many tests and hospital visits, the determination for surgery was made. Painstaking steps were taken to prepare for Tuesday, the day of surgery.
Now to the point. I seek to impart wisdom gleaned during times of pain, hoping it resonates with those who experience similar tribulations. Not only is physical pain difficult, but it brings with it immeasurable emotional toil, exposing many hard-to-swallow realities faced by those surrounding the one suffering. Watching Robyn endure both physical and mental suffering was profoundly difficult. Putting these two together caused me pain, as it should, after all, we are one. Robyn and I were prepped and readied on the day of the surgery. After a few hours of waiting, a doctor entered and announced the cancellation of the surgery. How we were informed was both unruly and accusatory, lacking empathy and decorum.
So lesson number one: no matter how much preparation is done, God can unexpectedly shut it all down. Lesson two: Even when what you plan is good, necessary, and in His will, He may shut it down. Lesson three: when people seemingly thwart good plans, they are not outside the power and sovereignty of God. Lesson four: when people act like fools and wreck our world, we still must be gracious, embodying patience in the face of adversity. Lesson five: God will work things out for His plan, which may include continued suffering. Lesson six: oh my, there are hundreds of lessons lived out in the SEVEN hours we awaited, IV in, for surgery that was on, off, on, off, on, off, and then on again.
This entire experience interweaves with our understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Even though I did have to advocate, ask questions, get on the phone, and get some other doctors involved, we had to be seasoned with grace while we internally wanted to scream. God opened doors in this circumstance, allowing Gospel living to be seen before gospel preaching to be heard. The staff expressed amazement at our lack of anger; they saw us throughout the week and engaged with great concern. Regardless, the Lord unveiled a plan and granted an epiphany I shall always cherish. For the next three days, Robyn’s breathing difficulties escalated, leading to an ER visit per her surgeon’s office that took us back to the surgical location via ambulance at 3:34 AM. Now, what seemed like a routine surgery for pain was a means for my wife to leave this world, at 40.
Words fail to capture the internal turmoil I experienced, yet my prayer remained simple: ‘God, oh God, I can’t even pray. Do what you will Lord, keep me in my faith and please spare my wife.’ After the surgery a few days before, I entered the room where she lay lifeless, still, and barely breathing. It took me by surprise as I had never seen her in that deep state before. It shocked me to the point that I thought, ‘Dear Lord! That is what it would be like if she were… dead.’ That thought ran my mind into terrors unseen. We had faced mortality many times during the years, even in our own homes, when we trusted experts who didn’t have Robyn’s well-being as a priority. God has helped us and we’ve come to live.
Honestly, at this point, I am too exhausted to continue. But, for the record, the journey through this valley has not only tested our faith but has also deepened it. Each challenge we faced, each tear we shed, and each moment of uncertainty, instead of breaking us, has woven a stronger fabric of trust in God’s sovereignty and love.
In reflecting upon this tumultuous journey, I realize that our experiences are not just personal trials but also universal lessons in resilience and grace. They are a testament to the power of enduring love and the unyielding strength of faith, even in the darkest of times. This ordeal has taught me that the essence of our journey through life, particularly through its valleys, is not about understanding every twist and turn but about holding onto each other and to God, with unwavering trust.
As I look back, I see not just a story of pain and fear, but also one of incredible strength and hope. Robyn’s courage, combined with our shared faith, stands as a beacon of light, guiding us through even the most treacherous paths. It is in these moments of trial that we truly understand the depth of our vows, ‘in sickness and in health,’ and the real meaning of being one in marriage and one in Christ.
To those who find themselves in similar valleys, know this: You are not alone. Your journey, too, can be a testament to the power of faith, love, and grace. Hold fast to your faith, cherish the love that binds you, and walk with grace through the trials. For in these trials, we are refined, our bonds are strengthened, and our understanding of God’s unending love deepens.
May our story be a reminder that even while suffering, there is a purpose, a lesson, and a beacon of hope that shines brightly, guiding us back to love, to life, to each other, and to God. In the end, it is not the trials that define us but how we rise through them with faith and love.
So, as I end this reflection, I do so with a heart full of gratitude for the journey, for it has brought me closer to my wife, deepened my faith, and taught me the true meaning of grace.
To Robyn, my life’s companion, your unwavering loyalty and remarkable strength in the face of daunting trials are nothing short of inspirational. Your resilience, an unyielding fortress against life’s tumults, has empowered not just yourself, but also our children and me. Your commitment to life, in all its complexity and beauty, is a testament to the incredible person you are.
Through the years, you have endured more than what many could bear, yet your resolve has never wavered. You have faced each challenge with a grace and fortitude that leaves me in awe. Your dedication to our family, your unbroken spirit in the darkest of times, and your ability to find joy amidst pain are qualities that not only define your character but also illuminate the lives of those around you.
Your journey, marked by courage and an unwavering commitment to yourself and our family, stands as a beacon of hope and strength. It is a vivid portrait of a woman who, despite all odds, continues to embrace life with an open heart and an indomitable spirit. As I reflect upon all that you have been through, all that you have given, and all that you are, I am filled with a profound sense of admiration and love. To know you, to have walked beside you through every turn of our journey, is an honor that words cannot fully capture. The reality that I am your husband feels like an unearned privilege, a blessing that I cherish every day.
Robyn, thank you for loving me with a depth and sincerity that has been my guiding light. Your love has been my sanctuary, a place of peace and strength. In you, I have found not just a partner but a source of inspiration, a reminder of what true strength and grace look like.
My love for you is boundless, growing deeper with each challenge we face together. It is a love born not just of joyous moments but forged in the fires of trials and tribulations. In loving you, I have discovered the true essence of partnership, the beauty of shared strength, and the unbreakable bond of souls united in love and purpose. As we continue on our journey, know that my admiration, my gratitude, and my love for you are as steadfast as the stars. You are not just my wife; you are my life’s greatest gift, my pillar of strength, and my eternal love.
Robyn, thank you for being who you are, for all that you have endured, and for choosing to love me. I am, and will always be, profoundly grateful for the honor of sharing this life with you.
Take note, folks. Life is short. Live it and love as you are supposed to, we are not guaranteed tomorrow.